


Star Trek vs. Capt. America

by bedb



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humor, Nero sets out to prove Into Darkness and Winter Soldier are the same movie, Thor is Kirk's daddy? Capt. Tightass is not amused, Tony does the rebuttals.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-18 15:16:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2353016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedb/pseuds/bedb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in script format...Nero sets out to prove that Into Darkness and Winter Soldier are the same movie. For some reason he reminds me of Loki...hhhmmmm? Maybe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who's your daddy, Jim Kirk?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [It's all Vendelyn Silver Hawk's fault...she begged me to do this](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=It%27s+all+Vendelyn+Silver+Hawk%27s+fault...she+begged+me+to+do+this).



It’s the Same Movie Dammit! Or Captain, she kanna take nah more!

The Romulan miscreant Nero has raised an argument that Into Darkness and the Winter Soldier are in fact the same movie. Tony Stark is on hand to rebut the accusation. All major players, including one immortally beautiful Marla McGivers, assemble at Avengers Tower to debate this very important issue, not to mention find out how the hell the Enterprise wound up docked off the spire at the Empire State Building.

The assembled persons are as follows:  
Representing the Enterprise/Klingons….Representing the Avengers/Hydra  
Nero…………………………………….Tony  
Admiral Alexander Marcus……………Alexander Pierce  
Admiral Christopher Pike………………Nick Fury  
Capt. George Kirk……………………….Thor  
Capt. James T. Kirk…………………….Capt. America  
Mr. Spock………………………………. Sam Wilson  
Dr. McCoy………………………………Whoever the hell Joe Russo was playing  
Khan…………………………………….Bucky  
Marla McGivers…………………………Natasha Romanoff  
Scotty…………………………………….Bruce Banner  
Chekov……………………………………Hawkeye  
Klingon Captain…………………………..Rumlow  
Klingons…………………………………..Rollins and the Strike Team  
Uhura…………………………………….Maria Hill  
Carol Marcus…………………………….Sharon Carter

(Prior to the start of the program a small incident arose between members of the Hydra contingency. A Strike member took a seat beside Natasha that Bucky wanted. When told to fuck off, Bucky shot him in the head and threw him in the corner. Tony had to call for a clean up crew to remove the body. Bucky is staring at Natasha like he’s trying to remember her)

Tony: FYI, we can all agree now that that is Bucky’s chair. If we all assembled, I think we can begin. I hand the floor over to our honored guest, Nero of the Romulan Empire.

Nero: Thank-you Mr. Stark. My intention is to show that Into Darkness and Winter Soldier are in fact the same movie. Plot, theme and storyboard not to mention fight scenes are identical.

Tony: And my intent is to show this is mere coincidence.

Nero: I would like to begin with the strongest point I have, the face of George Kirk, Capt. Kirk’s father. Is that not the face of Thor!?

(Everyone but Bucky looks between George Kirk and Thor)

Alexander Pierce: They’re identical!

Nero (pointing at Thor): Is it not true you can travel between dimensions?

Thor: I do not know these people.

Nero: Oh no, you wouldn’t. You disappeared on the day your son was born.

George Kirk: How can he be me if we’re both here?

Nero: The black hole string theory time continuum. 

Bruce: The what?

Nero: (more clearly) The black hole string theory time continuum. It’s when you go through a black hole following a string time changes.

Alexander Marcus: And what does that have to do with anything?

Nero: It is possible for Thor to be both Thor and George…at the same time.

James T.: Dad? I’m the son of a Viking god?

Sam Wilson: Wait until Dr. Jane hears this. Just saying…

Bucky: I know you!  
Natasha(grinning): I know you, too, darling.

Tony (perplexed): Uh, hmmm, not a part of this discussion I take. So my rebuttal. While it certainly looks like Thor is Capt. Kirk’s father, Capt Kirk senior sits here before us and Nero has yet to prove his black hole yoyo string quantum leap theory is valid. We must say this is just coincidence. If Winona Kirk were here, she would be able to tell the difference.

Nero (turning to his illustrious opponent): So you say? Let me bring out my first guest. Mrs. George Kirk, Winona! (everyone applauds although no one knows why) 

Winona Kirk: Son!

JT Kirk: Mom!

Winona (staring at Thor): George!

George: Over here, darling.

Winona is confused by Thor and George.  
Winona: If you’re George, who are you?

Thor: I am Thor, my lady.

Still confused.

Winona: Thor’s the guy with the hammer, right?

Tony: Yes ma’am.

Winona: Oh this is so embarrassing. That’s what we called George’s uh…can I say that here?

Nero (grinning): Certainly.

Winona: We called George’s play pretty the Hammer.

Nero: Play pretty? All this build up for play pretty? 

Thor: The lady doth have manners, scurl!

Bucky (moving to sit in Natasha’s lap): I missed you.  
Natasha (all you can see is the hand patting his back and her lower legs): I…oof!…missed you too darling. But it might be easier on me if I sat in your lap.

Sam: I wonder how much of his memory he’s going to get back…and do we need to be looking for a motel?

Steve: Bucky always liked the ladies, only I didn’t know he knew Natasha.

Natasha (still petting Bucky’s back as he hides his face in her hair): It’s a long story. 

Clint: And it never occurred to you to tell anyone about him?

Natasha: It slipped my mind. 

Strike member: Pussy whipped bastard.

Bucky pulls .09mm and without looking shoots the Strike member in the head.

Tony: I think we need to take a short break for refreshments and what have you….and will someone take those guns away from him before he misses and hits someone important.

Nero (enjoying the hell out of himself looks at Tony): Like you?

Tony: the thought is occurring to me. 

Scotty: hey Nero, did you bring any ale with you? (to Bruce Banner) You will really like this. It’s green. I bet it’ll even get Capt. Tightass drunk.

Steve: If you are referring to me, I resent that.

Spock: No, I’d say your ass is very tight. (Uhura runs off crying) What did I say? 

Scotty (accepting Nero's ale): Captains Tight Ass and Perfect Hair, they do look alike don't they?

Bruce Banner (taking a cup of Romulan ale from Scotty): I have never really noticed.


	2. Marcus and Pierce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nero now shows how Pierce and Marcus are identical

Tony stands at the podium watching Steve, Clint and Sam frisk Bucky for any more weapons. Natasha is standing on a stepstool so Bucky can wrap his arms around her waist and hide his head against her ample bosom. He mutters something that Tony cannot hear.

Natasha (stroking his head): Yes, darling, I missed you too.

Sam (to Steve): I think that just about does it. (there is a pile of weapons on the chair beside them)

Steve: Yeah, I can’t find anymore.

Tony: So we are ready to resume? Jarvis, will you call someone from housekeeping to come get these implements of mass destruction?

Jarvis: Certainly, sir.

Khan (picking up Bucky’s rifle): This is very nice. M4A1 with a M203 PI grenade launcher and night vision scope. I like this.

Bucky mumbles at Natasha. She smiles

Natasha: Oh darling, you are so sentimental. (smiling at Khan) He saved it because it reminded him of me.

Sam, Clint and Steve throw each other curious glances then go to sit down. Bucky helps Natasha off the stepladder, kicks it aside and then sits in the chair with her in his lap. Khan takes the weapon and resumes his own seat.

Nero returns to his podium. Scotty and Bruce return to their seats with a flask of Romulan ale in Scotty’s hand. Bruce has a smile on his face. Scotty notices Natasha.

Scotty: I see he finally got off you. (Scotty ducks just as Bucky pulls one of Natasha’s pistols out of her belt and shoots at Scotty…misses)

Natasha: oops. I should have anticipated that. Here, darling, let me have that. Yes, I missed you too.

Tony: If we are through with the theatrics, I suggest we resume our discussion.

Natasha: No, darling, you can’t shoot the funny man at the podium.

Tony (frowning): Definitely can’t shoot the funny man at the podium. (Looking at Nero) He was talking about you.

Nero: Of course he was. (Clearing his throat) Now I would like to discuss the two Alexanders, Marcus and Pierce. In the universe of names, why are the two most obnoxious, deceitful, ill tempered, sneaky sons of bitches both named Alexander?

Pierce” Because it is a noble and dignified name?

Nero: No, because you are both the same guy.

Marcus: Not another George Kirk is Thor nonsense, I hope.

Pierce: Actually that was pretty convincing.

Nero: I’m not saying you are the same person, but that your personalities are identical because you represent the same character. Allow me. Pierce is the head of Starfleet Command,

Pierce: Marcus is head of Starfleet, I’m head of SHIELD.

Nero: Right, sorry. So, obviously in an attempt to compensate for a lack of male vigor, you both have to have bigger and better toys, the Vengeance and the helocarriers. AND you try to control two of the deadliest assassin warriors of your perspective universes.

Pierce: Lack of male vigor? Do you know who I am?

Nero: Alexander PIERCE, and he’s Alexander MARC US. Both last names deal with marking or puncturing someone. Is this a coincidence? I think not. And what about the men they controlled? Marcus found Khan in cryostasis and wiped his mind before waking him up. Pierce keeps Bucky in cryostatsis and wipes his mind. They use them to blow up Praxis and Cleveland.

Bucky mutters something to Natasha

Natasha: yes, dear, I know it was supposed to be Washington, DC but it was Cleveland. 

Nero: Alexander Pierce was going to start a war with the Klingon Empire and Alexander Marcus was going to wipe out millions of people to secure Earth for Hydra.

Marcus: I think you have that backwards. I was going to start a war with the Klingons.

Pierce: Let it go, he’s on a roll.

Nero: And both of you have daughters! Carol Marcus and whatever her name is. Is she a renowned weapons specialist Director Pierce?

Pierce: She teaches Kindergarten.

Nero: Ah hah! She trains future Hydra agents.

Khan: If I may interject, blowing up Praxis gave me my memory back. My superior intellect was shielded by my superior genetics.

Bucky whispers into Natasha’s ear and she giggles in agreement. Everyone waits for her to elaborate.

Tony (finally): What did he say?”

Natasha: Me sitting in his lap has brought back many memories.

Marcus (pointing at Khan): Clearly wiping Khan’s memory was more difficult than this over sexed simpleton. 

Tony: IX-Nay on the Ay-names.

Bucky pulls out Natasha’s piece and shoots Marcus, and he does it without looking.

Pierce looks down at Marcus bleeding on the floor  
Pierce: Are you dead?

Marcus: No, but the bastard shot me!

Steve, Sam, Clint and Natasha lunge for Bucky’s hand before he can shoot Marcus again.

Natasha (taking weapon from Bucky and reluctantly passing it to Steve): It’s not nice to shoot Tony’s guests.

Nero: I don’t know that was fun.

Pierce watches Kirk and Pike help Marcus off the floor

Pierce: He may be a dumb simpleton, but the boy can shoot. (Seeing Bucky peering over Natasha’s shoulder at him) I said MAY.

Scotty (taking flask from Bruce): He sure is quick on the draw, pardner. (laughs) I made a joke. Captain Quick Draw. (seeing Bruce’s blank expression) Here have another drink, Brucie.

Bruce: I don’t think he was a captain. A sergeant, I think. Sgt. Quick Draw

Tony: Another short break to tend to the wounded. 

Natasha: I’ll be right back, darling, I need to go to the little girl’s room. Yes, I’ll hurry back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> saving the best for last of course. The captains are coming up next


	3. The Captains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How are Captains Kirk and America alike?

Bucky stood at the door of the lady’s restroom staring at it with a look of dread on his face. Natasha was in there in no telling what kind of danger. He needed to go in and see about her, but Khan and Sam told him he couldn’t. Khan just didn’t want Bucky to get the cool rifle taken from him, and Sam was genuinely worried about Bucky’s thought process.

Sam: Natasha is not in any danger, I promise.

Steve (joining them): What’s wrong?

Khan: Your friend wants to go into the lady’s restroom and rescue Natasha.

Steve (raising his voice): Natasha can you hear me?

Natasha (distantly): yes

Steve: Are you in need of rescuing?

Natasha: no????

Bucky leans towards Steve and whispers in his ear.

Steve: Natasha, is anyone forcing you to say that?

The door opens and everyone looks up expectantly but its only Carol Marcus.

Carol: Sorry, wrong girl, but I promise you Natasha is fine and will be out shortly. (To Khan) Show me back to my seat?

Khan(this is a tough one for him): Don’t let him get the rifle taken away. 

Natasha emerges with Marla McGivers. Bucky for a second reaches for the wrong woman and then realizes his mistake. Shouldering the rifle, he picks Natasha up and buries his head in her bosom. Astride him in what was a popular position for porno movies, she pats his back.

Natasha: Yes, I missed you too, darling.

Since he refuses to give up Natasha, Steve and Sam steer him back towards their seats. Khan is on hand to assist with the rifle they had to put down in order for Bucky to sit.

Tony (back at podium to Natasha): I bet you never expected going to the potty would be a community project.

Bucky looks up, Natasha strokes his head.  
Natasha: He was worried about me.  
Marcus: Have many attacks on your lady’s room, Stark?

Stark: No, but there’s always a first, I suppose. (Wishes now that Pepper was here. Will call her the next break)

Nero (appearing at his stand): Everything come out all right? (Looks at Scotty and Bruce) Don’t tell me you two drank it all?

Scotty: It was just a wee bit. Right? (nudges Bruce who simply smiles and nods his head)

Tony (stunned that Bruce looks happy): Uh, yes. And now my illustrious colleague will resume his argument that the two movies are identical.

Nero: Thank-you Iron Man. Please allow me to introduce Capt. Kirk and Capt. America, both of them captains without actually going through the ranks. Who does that?

Steve: Mine was a field promotion.

Nero: Yes, I saw the movie, Capt. America in North Africa. Touching, simply touching, the way you took out Rommel’s Afrika Corps single handedly.

Scotty: Hey, that’s not right. (nudges Bruce) That’s not right.

Bruce (smiling): I don’t know. 

Steve (to Scotty): It was just a movie, not real.

Scotty: So you say, (giggles) Capt. Tight Ass

Steve (patiently): I wish you would stop calling me that.

Scotty (to Bruce) Capt. Little Buns is upset.

Nero: Let’s not forget Capt. Perfect Hair. Where is he from? The heartland of America, Idaho.

Kirk: Iowa.

Nero: Iowa is America! Kirk is the Captain of America. And both men have deceased fathers…except Thor is not really deceased. (Looks at Thor) You know there is a greater resemblance between you and Steve than James.

Natasha: Not you, darling, the other James.

Steve: That is absurd! Thor is not my father. My father was an alcoholic who died when I was little.  
Nero: And who recruited you? Nick Fury of SHIELD. And who recruited Kirk but Admiral Christopher Pike of Starfleet Command. And what do you and Kirk have in common but a lust for fighting. Breaking up bars and saloons!

Kirk: Just me. Capt. America fought NAZIs and people who talked during movies.

Nero: Are you both not the epitome of heroic young men? Blond, rippling muscled, adventurous.

Tony: Yes, but Kirk is a womanizer while there is debate that Steve is a virgin.

Steve: I am not a virgin. I just respect women, that’s all.

Natasha (giggling at Bucky): Oh, no you’re not, you wicked boy. Yes, I remember, too.

Clint (frowning): And you never thought it important to tell me that your first boyfriend was a notorious KGB serial killer?

Natasha (to Bucky): No, darling, I can not make him go away. And no I won’t let you shoot him. Besides Khan has your rifle.

Kirk: That’s another thing, Khan and I are not friends, while Steve and Sgt. Quick Draw are best buds.

Nero: Did not Khan save your life with his magic blood?

Kirk: Yes

Nero: And did not Sgt. Quick Draw save your life when you fell into the river?

Steve: Yes, but Bucky rescued me willingly. Khan did not give up his blood willingly.

Khan: True

Kirk: I died saving the Enterprise from crashing into San Francisco. Steve didn’t die. In fact he has more in common with Khan. Being frozen all those years.

Steve: That was not by choice. I crashed the Valkyrie into the ice to save New York. He crashed the Vengeance into San Francisco to destroy it. (Pause) Damn! They are identical.

Tony: Not quite. Just a coincidence. I suggest we take another short break while I go make a call.


	4. Bucky verses Khan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's bad luck not to finish a story.

Dead Klingon is being dragged off stage by the sound crew.

Nero: Well, that was interesting

Captain America: Bucky didn’t do it that time!

Natasha: No, darling, that wasn’t you.

Khan, arms folded across chest: Wasn’t me, although I would like to compliment the marksman

Tony (impatiently): Is anyone going to fess up to it?

Natasha: No, darling, put you hand down. You really didn’t do it.

Nero (grinning): Cowards. So now we come to the part of the discussion where we compare Khan and Natasha’s pet. 

Captain America: I resent you calling him Natasha’s pet. (everyone looks to see Natasha combing Bucky’s hair with her nails) People can enjoy that too!

Nero: Of course, they can. So, we’ve established that both men were controlled by men named Alexander and have a thing for redheads. What else do they have in common?

Natasha: Put your hand down, Love. It was strictly rhetorical. 

Nero (starting to sound like a preacher): Were they both not brainwashed to do evil for others? Brainwashed until they forgot who they were. Khan, the deadliest man in Mr. Spock’s universe, although I blew Vulcan up…”

Mr. Spock: All right. All right. You’re the baddest ass in the universe. Happy?

Tony: I sure as hell hope so. I’m getting tired of hearing it. 

Nero: Too Late! As I was saying, Khan was brainwashed into thinking he was a white guy named Cdr. John Harrison, not a Sikh named Khan Noonan Singh, while poor sweet innocent Bucky, friend of Capt. America, was turned into the Winter Soldier.

(sniffles are heard)

Pierce: You have got to be kidding! Rumlow, that had better not be you.

Rumlow: Not me. Allergies. 

Tony: Point of order! Khan, how did you get your memory back?

Khan: I blew up Praxis and a moon fell on me.

Tony: Bucky, how did you get your memory back?

Natasha: Yes, you can answer now…a helocarriers fell on him.

Nero: Given! Khan, where were you kept between blowing up moons?

Khan: I was kept in suspended animation, deep cold.

Nero: Bucky?

Natasha: Cryostatis, deep cold.

Nero: Alexanders, redheads, cold things falling on top of them. Khan, tell us about your blood.

Khan: My blood has incredible healing properties and I can bring the dead back to life. It’s as if I am a god.

Kirk to Cap: He’s not lying there. I was dead.

Nero: Bucky can you tell us about your body fluids?

Natasha (giggles): You naughty boy. He’s talking about your blood. Sgt. Barnes’ blood can heal him quickly and allows him to survive deep freeze without dying. Yes, that is very important. 

Nero: Another thing in common…two super soldiers with magical healing properties in their blood. 

Tony: Point.

Nero: Proceed.

Tony: Thank-you. Khan how did you can Capt. Kirk get to Admiral Marcus’ bad boy ship?

Khan: We ejected out of the garbage chute and flew over.

Tony: Bucky did not do that. He jumped off a bridge.

Khan: Did Sam Wilson not fly Capt. America up to the third helocarriers? 

Tony: That’s not the same thing. You know it’s not. Sam Wilson did not have to dodge destroyed ship parts.  
Nero: Did he not have to dodge the Winter Soldier?

Tony: That’s not the same thing, and you know it.

Nero: Did not Khan destroy San Francisco? And did the Winter Soldier not destroy Cleveland?

Natasha: It was Cleveland, Love, sorry. 

Tony: Khan ran through a glass wall.

Nero: Capt. America ran through a window AND a door. 

Tony: Spock beat the shit out of Khan!

Nero: Bucky beat the crap out of Capt. America.

(a wail floats over the room. Bucky gets up, dropping Natasha, and walks across the circle to hug Cap who is also crying)

Pierce (folding his arms and crossing his legs): This is so gay

(Spock gets up and folds his arms around both of them)

Marcus: Now it’s really gay.

Kirk: Duck! (Bucky draws a weapon and points it at Marcus)

Tony: Where the hell does he get these guns?

(the weapon is wrestled from Bucky before he can shoot Marcus)

Captain America: You have to stop shooting people, pal. Want to sit down by me?

(Bucky frowns suspiciously and returns to Natasha. Picking her up he sets her on his lap. A second later he pulls out a hidden weapon and shoots Marcus. It’s just a flesh wound.) 

Tony: Will someone frisk him?

Spock: I will. (Bucky frowns) Or not.

Pierce (helping Marcus back into his chair): She’s giving him the guns.

Rumlow: Yeah, but where is she hiding them? Her suit is skintight. I once went to a domitrix with a cat suit less tight than that.

Pierce: Too much information.

Rumlow: Oh yeah, sorry.

Tony: We are going to adjourn outside for a game of touch football now. Good guys verses the bad guys.

Pierce: Come on Soldier. You are one of us. Soldier!

Natasha: I will see you outside, Love. Go on and be a good boy.

(Bucky follows the villains, but he is not happy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the great flag football game is next

**Author's Note:**

> there are key elements in both stories that are identical.  
> It will get funnier...promise


End file.
